For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. - Psalm 139:13-14


Jan. 20 Doctor Visit

Yesterday we met with our new doctor down at the IU Med Center, and ever since, I've been trying to find the words to tell you about the appointment.

In some ways, it was very routine. My belly was measured, and we listened to Carter's heart beat at 130 bpm. Every time the doctor goes to check the heart, I hold my breath. Although I feel him move inside me, the reality that he could yet be stillborn lingers in the room. I depend on that heart beat right now, because I so badly want to meet my baby boy alive, even it's only for an hour.

His heart beat normally yesterday. I love that little heart beat.

Our new doctor was quite different from ours here in town, but I think we will like her. One thing I definitely appreciated about her was her honesty. She did not try to mince words or sugar coat the truth of what we might face during the next several weeks and at Carter's birth. Knowing the facts seems to help.

As of right now, we have decided not to induce. I know this goes against what we originally thought, but our doctor seemed to think that (all things considered) allowing nature to work out the due date would be best. We will continue to assess this decision, though, as the weeks go on (I'm currently 33 weeks pregnant).

To be honest, this decision was a bit of a relief to Ben and myself. I was growing more and more uneasy at the thought of choosing a day to meet and say goodbye to Carter. I don't mean to sound calloused, but it almost felt choosing like a death sentence. I wasn't ready to make that choice. So, as it stands, we are going to continue carrying to term and allow my body to tell me when Carter will arrive. For now, I feel settled in that decision, although continued prayer that God would give us wisdom in these decisions would be helpful. These are decisions we just never considered for ourselves and trying to find "what's right" isn't easy.

We continue to cling to all the precious moments we have with Carter. Here's what we know about our son: We know he continues to grow, but is likely a bit smaller than most babies at his stage (probably about 3 weeks behind on the growth charts). He moves around a lot, especially when his older brother Cohen bumps into him or comes to "inspect" Mommy's funny belly button. One very cool thing is how Carter seems to respond to Ben's touch and his voice. I can't tell you how many times Carter has been somewhat quiet, only to have Ben put his hand on my belly or talk to him that elicits more movement than I felt all day. Ben definitely knows how to rile up his boys, and we both find a lot of joy in this.

I'm not exactly sure how to wrap up this post only to thank you for your prayers during our doctor visit yesterday and by continuing to thank God for our Carter Benjamin. Please pray we will continue to make the most of this time we have with him.


  1. Nicole Reichard1/21/2011 3:48 PM

    I will be praying that God gives you several hours at the least with little Carter after he is born. I can only imagine this desire to hold him and see him and say your goodbyes. Several people from my church are praying for your family as well. God is burdening their hearts to pray, so I know He is working. I am glad you had an okay visit and were able to hear his heartbeat and have that reassurance. Keep holding onto God and each other...He will get your through these really difficult times.

  2. Thank you for sharing this new post, Sarah. My family prays for your family daily. Praying for a miracle and for peace, and most of all for God's will.

    Bethany Helmkamp

  3. I just wanted to say that I am so sorry that you guys have to go through this. I cannot even begin to imagine the range of emotions that you feeling. Thank you so much for sharing through the blog Sarah! It is amazing to read about how God is working in and through you guys! I am praying for you guys!

    Leslie Russell

  4. Continuing to pray for you, Ben, and Carter daily. This is certainly a road you would not have chosen for yourself, but I am thankful that you have a wonderful savior to travel it with you.

  5. We are continuing to pray for your family. We serve an amazing God. He has a plan in all this even though it may not seem like it. Keep the faith.

  6. With you in prayer. And I rejoice with you in the joys that God is blessing you with in this difficult time.

  7. Thanks for the update Sarah. We Love you guys and continue to pray for you and the fam. You are all precious to us. Aunt Pam

  8. I love you, big sister. We all do. Praying for you

  9. Christa Dhladhla1/22/2011 5:18 PM

    Sarah, I was at homecoming the other week, and ran into your mom. She told me about this blog. My husband and I are praying for you. I know you and Ben are relying on God to get you through this, and He WILL. I am so sorry you have to go through this. This blog is ministering to so many because you guys are continuing to hold, steadfastly, onto our Lord, Jesus Christ. Love you!

    Christa (Rose) Dhladhla

  10. I am praying for you guys! I'm so sorry that you have to go through all this! Sarah, your strength is amazing and inspiring! I can't imagine what you are feeling and how you are handling it so well. You are amazing! I will continue to pray for you all.

    Liz Shirey

  11. Sarah & Ben: th-you for your blog!Your communication skills are amazing to put your thoughts onto the computer.I appreciate your openness and faith that shine very brightly!Also, when you said that Ben is so stimulating to little Carter with his voice and touch...makes one of the greatest gifts of communication known!Across that umbilical cord & amniotic fluid a father speaks to his son AND the son responds.God will bless & keep his little life in His hands.Shalom! -Cousin Linda

  12. Praying for unfathomable peace and comfort for you all.

  13. You're a great mother. And you're also a great writer.
    Thanks for capturing these moments with depth and clarity and allowing us to experience your earnest faith and frank sorrow. I'm praying for you and the family. But I'm also learning from you.