Yesterday we met with our new doctor down at the IU Med Center, and ever since, I've been trying to find the words to tell you about the appointment.
In some ways, it was very routine. My belly was measured, and we listened to Carter's heart beat at 130 bpm. Every time the doctor goes to check the heart, I hold my breath. Although I feel him move inside me, the reality that he could yet be stillborn lingers in the room. I depend on that heart beat right now, because I so badly want to meet my baby boy alive, even it's only for an hour.
His heart beat normally yesterday. I love that little heart beat.
Our new doctor was quite different from ours here in town, but I think we will like her. One thing I definitely appreciated about her was her honesty. She did not try to mince words or sugar coat the truth of what we might face during the next several weeks and at Carter's birth. Knowing the facts seems to help.
As of right now, we have decided not to induce. I know this goes against what we originally thought, but our doctor seemed to think that (all things considered) allowing nature to work out the due date would be best. We will continue to assess this decision, though, as the weeks go on (I'm currently 33 weeks pregnant).
To be honest, this decision was a bit of a relief to Ben and myself. I was growing more and more uneasy at the thought of choosing a day to meet and say goodbye to Carter. I don't mean to sound calloused, but it almost felt choosing like a death sentence. I wasn't ready to make that choice. So, as it stands, we are going to continue carrying to term and allow my body to tell me when Carter will arrive. For now, I feel settled in that decision, although continued prayer that God would give us wisdom in these decisions would be helpful. These are decisions we just never considered for ourselves and trying to find "what's right" isn't easy.
We continue to cling to all the precious moments we have with Carter. Here's what we know about our son: We know he continues to grow, but is likely a bit smaller than most babies at his stage (probably about 3 weeks behind on the growth charts). He moves around a lot, especially when his older brother Cohen bumps into him or comes to "inspect" Mommy's funny belly button. One very cool thing is how Carter seems to respond to Ben's touch and his voice. I can't tell you how many times Carter has been somewhat quiet, only to have Ben put his hand on my belly or talk to him that elicits more movement than I felt all day. Ben definitely knows how to rile up his boys, and we both find a lot of joy in this.
I'm not exactly sure how to wrap up this post only to thank you for your prayers during our doctor visit yesterday and by continuing to thank God for our Carter Benjamin. Please pray we will continue to make the most of this time we have with him.