For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. - Psalm 139:13-14

1.19.2011

Broken

It continues to throw me when something so simple can throw me for an emotional loop. Today, I was driving back home from dropping Ben off at the church when a Lifehouse song "Broken" came on the radio. I've heard this song a bazillion times, but today the lyrics hit me like a brick wall.

"Broken" by Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will, I'll be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

So, there I was, sitting in my car with Cohen in the backseat (thankfully we were parked in our garage at this point), and I just lost it. I let the tears roll down my face as I let the reality of my own brokenness over Carter sweep over me. As the song says, "In the pain there is healing." I just sat there crying, knowing I had to let myself just feel the intensity of that moment. I needed to cry. I need to feel that pain. I needed to mourn the doctor's prediction of Carter's short, sweet life.

Of course, poor Cohen in the backseat didn't have a clue what was going on, but he quietly sat there as I finished the song. Sometimes God just knows when I need to unravel, and I am so grateful for things like music that help bring the brokenness out of me. The last thing I want to do is bury it and allow it to make my soul bitter. Letting it out lets God in.

And over time, even this afternoon as I was able to have some quiet moments during Cohen's nap time, my heart heals a little. I know more brokenness is in the works, but healing along the way has got to be so much easier than ripping off a bandage to a gaping wound later on. It just has to be.

3 comments:

  1. My heart aches for you. I am crying with you, for you.

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  2. Hi Sarah,
    I don't have your email or phone number but I just want you know how sorry I am for you all that you are going through this right now. Please know that our family is praying for all of you. I would love to play with Cohen som day! I live right by IWU and Josh (who is 11 months) loves to play with other kids. I am free this afternoon if that would help out! And I only work Mondays and Fridays so if a day next week would work too, or obviously later in the future. Feel free to email me tiffanymclark22@gmail.com or call me 260 341 7127. Josh will be sleeping this afternoon for a bit so if you need to drop Cohen off, I'd love to play with him!!! Tiffany

    ReplyDelete
  3. crying with u, Sarah you are so loved.
    Mindy

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