Ben was in Denver for about a week, recording some songs for our church, and he returned with some nasty virus that took yet another week to say goodbye. So, I got just a two-week taste of what being a single parent is like. (Kudos to all you single parents who do it every day. You're stronger than I.)
|Making apple pie with Cohen's help.|
Ben and I welcomed two weekends in a row that we could just enjoy some "nothingness." Cohen needed time with his grandparents, so he enjoyed his visits while Ben and I slept in, ran errands without diaper bags, and even went out to eat without having to order from the kid's menu. We enjoyed some much-needed alone time (did I mention all the running I've been doing?), but each time, we looked forward to seeing our little man again.
In the midst of all this running, though, I've found myself a bit (how should I say it?)...lighter.
Okay, while I may have shed a physical pound or two thanks to Jillian Michaels, I refer to "lightness" more in the emotional sense. February and March were heavy months as we grieved over our loss of Carter. April has brought a bit of sunshine into our lives as we have been able to look forward at what life might bring next. And you know what? We find ourselves looking forward with expectation and hope.
If our ongoing experience with Carter teaches us anything, it is that we should embrace what is before us and move forward in expectation of what God will do, rather than fear of what we can't control.
So...we are moving forward. We still have several grief moments, like last Sunday when I found the hospital parking ticket from the day we found out that Carter would die. And while I let myself have these moments, I also cling to the hope of what is to come. I look forward to long walks on warm, spring days. I look forward to re-starting my grad school classes in May and finishing that masters degree. I eagerly anticipate the summer vacation we have planned and even the 5k Ben and I have decided to run together (yes...again with the running).
The great part about living life, especially life with Christ, is that even in the midst of hurt, we can have hope for our future (in this life and the next). I continue to cling to the promise that God will redeem our brokenness and use our little Carter's life in big ways. And the best way we know how to do that is to live in the hope of today and what is to come.