For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. - Psalm 139:13-14


Fourth of July (A Little Late)

Yes, I realize July is almost over, but I wanted to share with you all a special moment we were able to have as a family.

It was last year on the 4th of July that we found out we were pregnant for Carter. So I knew that the day this year would come with some bittersweet emotions. Because we were already planning a trip to Ben's parents house that day, we decided to go also visit Carter's grave site.

We had not been back since February, when we buried Carter. Combine that with the fact that July 2 marked five months since Carter was born and passed away and you can imagine we (Ben and I) were pretty emotional.

When we pulled into the cemetery, I turned toward the back seat, where Cohen was contentedly sitting in his car seat, and told him that we were going to go see Baby Carter's stone. (They had recently laid the foundation for his monument.)

He didn't say much until we got out of the car, and Cohen asked, "Baby Carter?"

Ben and I lost it.

We took Cohen over to the grave site and showed him where his baby brother was buried. Cohen contentedly played in the dirt around the foundation while Ben and I just sat there crying. It's still so tough to think of what the boys would have been like together.

But as we sat there, watching Cohen play in the dirt and telling him about his baby brother, we did feel some peace. The sun shining around us and the green grass around the grave was a stark contrast to the blizzard and ice storm that surrounded us when we buried Carter. The cemetery itself is out in the middle of a corn field (literally), so it was quiet and serene.

I guess that's kind of how you could describe the entire experience of visiting the Carter's grave site. Difficult, sad, but strangely filled with hope, peace, and warmth. Suffice it to say that our 4th of Julys will likely never be the same.


  1. I've been thinking about loving Eli and Brian a lot today, and I can just hear Cohen asking, "Baby Carter?" and it made me cry a litte. I look forward to meeting him this weekend!

  2. I don't have words to express how my heart still aches for you. Thanks for sharing